


Platonic Life Partner

by spiciest_author



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: A few brief mentions of sex, Genji Shimada is a Little Shit, Jokes, M/M, Secret Relationship, exactly, genyatta if you want it to be, its not crack, minor mention of some canon-typical violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-31
Updated: 2018-10-31
Packaged: 2019-08-11 06:19:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16470356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spiciest_author/pseuds/spiciest_author
Summary: Jesse and Hanzo are definitely fucking. There's no question about that. But they're pretty adamant they're NOT dating, which doesn't really fit them cuddling on the couch.





	Platonic Life Partner

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by some lovely people and their jokes. I love y'all.

Jesse and Hanzo are _definitely_ fucking. It’s not a question; Genji has seen one of them limp out of the other’s room damn near every morning for about a year and each time he thanks God, Jesus, and Overwatch regulations for installing the best soundproofing the 21st century could offer. If he had to hear that he’d be forced to cut out his brain. So, the thing he really has to puzzle over was whether or not that’s all they were doing. Genji’s a little surprised that Hanzo, of all people, is sleeping with someone without dating. Either he has changed a lot in ten years, or he’s being very sneaky about it. Both were equally likely, but Jesse made this whole thing more confusing. There was no way he’d resist yelling about dating Hanzo from the rooftops, which suggested they were just… FWB, maybe.

Oh well. Genji does love a mystery, especially if he gets to annoy his brother solving it.

Of course, his investigation is mostly tailing Jesse (his brother would catch him too easily) and running away whenever he and Hanzo are in the same room for more than 3 minutes. That was not a fun thing to learn the first time. He’s starting to suspect that Hanzo is aware of his presence and doing… things on purpose, as revenge for all the details Genji offered about his sex life when they were younger. He can’t really blame him. And so things are going not-so-great, mystery-solving-wise, until a slightly chilly Monday morning.

Genji is passing through the rec room when he spots the top of Jesse’s head on the arm of the couch. Fantastic. Questioning is, after all, an important part of an investigation. But when he gets closer, he realizes Hanzo is also there, lying down _on top_ of McCree. He’s tucked up against Jesse’s chest, holding a holopad playing some overdramatic j-drama. Jesse is watching it too, arm wrapped around Hanzo and a bag of chocolates on his thigh.

“Holy shit,” Genji gasps. “You guys _are_ dating!”

“What?”

“Can’t even say ‘scuse me? Gotta start yellin’ at us like that?”

“Oh my _god_ , you guys are _dating_ —”

“Nobody is dating,” Hanzo huffs, reaching up to smooth a frizzy part of Jesse’s beard.

“Nob—you’re cuddling!! On the couch!!”

“It is cold out,”

“Hanzo, I’m... Jesse. You guys are dating.”

“No, we ain’t. We’re platonic life partners,” Jesse said, reaching into the bag of truffles and feeding one to Hanzo. “D’ya need somethin’? Cause we’re tryin’ ta get through the finale here.”

“I need you to cut the bullshit!” Genji exclaimed, throwing up his arms and stalking off to the kitchen.

_Platonic life partners,_ what bullshit. What the hell was that supposed to mean? “We’re just pals that cuddle and fuck every night.” That’s just what dating is! Genji thinks, opening and closing cabinets a little harder than necessary. Either they were assholes trying to make his life suck, or they were idiots that couldn’t accept their feelings. And wasn’t that an issue, that either was equally likely, the emotionally-stunted dickheads. He leans away from the wall slightly to glance back at them. Hanzo has a hand tucked under Jesse’s arm. If Genji was even a centimeter to the left or right, he wouldn’t be able to see it. Hanzo’s finger is tapping, lightly, in an oddly rhythmic way. What was he doing?

\--

Genji is going to need some extra help with this, so he brings in the cleverest and most balanced person he knows. Which… maybe was a mistake. 

“Genji, I do not understand. Do you think your brother in danger? Or unhappy?” 

“Of course not, Zen! But he won’t tell me anything!” 

“Does he have to?” 

“No! But what’s the point of an older brother if you’re not going to bother him about everything?” 

“A fair point,” Zenyatta hummed. 

“Thank you! Now…” Genji muttered, clicking around his monitor. “Athena… I want to see the security feed in the Main Rec Room today… from three hours ago.” 

“I don’t think you do, Agent Shimada,” came Athena’s cool voice from the little blue circle spinning on the screen. 

“Yes I do!” Genji insisted. The blue circle disappeared to show a video from the left corner of the Rec Room. It shows… nothing. Boring. Genji drags the video forward until he notices Hanzo and Jesse enter the room. Now that was more promising. 

“We are going to be caught,” says video-Hanzo, voice slightly tinny from the speaker. 

“No we ain’t, nobody’s here in the middle of the day,” insists video-Jesse. Their voices get softer until Genji can’t really hear them, standing and talking about something. 

“Why will things not happen?” 

“Investigation takes time, my student.” 

“Zen…” Genji sighed, speeding through the video again until they start moving. Okay, Jesse is sitting on the couch and Hanzo is… not? He’s sort of… 

“OH MY GOD!” screamed Genji, slamming his computer shut. “Oh my god! What the fuck! Why!” 

“That was… something,” added Zenyatta. 

“I did say you didn’t want to see the footage, Agent Shimada.” 

“Zen, lobotomize me. Please.” 

“I am not qualified for that type of surgery, Genji.” 

“Then bash in my frontal lobe. I don’t want to be capable of thought any more. Please.” 

“Sometimes we must suffer the consequences of our own hubris, my student.” 

\-- 

Genji: Please tell me you deep-cleaned that couch 

Hanzo: What? 

Genji: I saw the footage asshole 

Genji: I SIT on the that couch 

Hanzo: I am not a coward genji 

Hanzo: I swallow 

Genji: why didn’t you kill me properly asshole 

\-- 

Genji refuses to be distracted from investigation, even if he does have to knock on doors much more aggressively now. In fact, he’s attempting to avoid all forms of face-to-face communication. And all video media, after… that. 

Genji: but like honestly 

Genji: are you guys dating??????? 

Hanzo: I already told you no. 

Genji: but you were cuddling on the couch! You were 

Genji: doing THAT 

Genji: on the couch 

Hanzo: We are platonic life partners 

Hanzo: that have sex sometimes 

Genji: asdsdjffaiousrhgaoer THAT’S DATING YOU DUMB ASS BITCH 

Hanzo: no, it is not. There are no romantic feelings involved. 

Genji: Hanzo you’ve got to stop lying to yourself. 

Hanzo: I am not! 

Hanzo: stop being a pest. \-- Investigations are stalling now that Genji is afraid of going into a room without knowing where his brother is. Fortunately, Hanzo had been sent on a mission a few days ago, and he was on his way back today. Genji did his best poking and prodding around, but nothing new has come up. Turns out it’s hard to find out what’s going on in someone’s life if they aren’t around to live it. He tries to bother Jesse, but he’d forgotten how good McCree was at not talking when he didn’t want to. He considers going to annoy Angela for info, but suddenly, a brief alarm sounds, and Athena’s voice comes from the ceilings. 

“The Orca has landed. Med Bay, prep for surgery.” 

“Surgery?” Genji asked, staring at Jesse. “Athena, who’s going to surgery?” 

“I cannot say,” 

“Then what’s the surgery for?” 

“I cannot say either,” she says apologetically. They jump up and sprint to Med Bay, but before they can get very far, Zenyatta appears by the door. 

“Be at ease. The wounds are unfortunate, but unlikely to be deadly.” 

“How did anyone get hurt? That was nearly an all-tank mission!” 

“Hanzo doesn’t wear body armor,” Jesse whispered, staring straight forward. 

“Zen, who got hurt? Was it Hanzo?” Genji asked. 

“I cannot say.” 

“Zen, please! I’m his brother! That counts for confidentiality!” Zenyatta hummed and angled his head toward Jesse. Jesse stared back. 

“I’m next o’ kin too. Don’t ask how, I ain’t answerin’,” 

There is a brief, confused silence. 

“Embedded shrapnel in the abdominal region,” Zenyatta said. “It is not deep, but it is covering a wide area. He should be fine after a few weeks of bed rest when he leaves surgery.” 

“Oh good,” Genji said, slumping where he stood. Zenyatta touched his shoulder briefly before drifting back into the med bay. Genji walked over to sit in the chairs in front of the doors, pulling Jesse along by the sleeve. 

“Explain,” he said, staring at McCree. 

“Said I ain’t, and I ain’t,” 

“Jesse!” 

“I. Ain’t. Talkin. Do more o’ yer bullshit investigatin’ if ya wanna,” he snarls, yanking his arm away. 

“But—” 

“It’s none of yer business, Genji! Leave it alone!” 

“Fuck you! It’s plenty of my business, he’s my brother! I want to know what’s going on with my fucking family!” Genji shouted. Jesse glares at him, then lets out a long sigh. 

“C’mon. We gotta go to the roof.” 

\-- 

Jesse walks to a corner against the comm tower, into a small square marked with chalk. He waves Genji into the square before he starts talking. 

“Camera can’t see this spot. Mics can’t pick it up, neither.” He explained. 

“O…kay? So what, are we not being recorded?” 

“No. ‘s the only spot I know on base, so. Anyway. I asked Angela to list me as Hanzo’s care proxy if you weren’t available, y’know?” 

“Yeah, I figured that out for myself,” Genji said. “Why would she, is my question. You’re sort-of-not-really-dating. That’s not enough reason.” 

“We’re actually married,” Jesse said. “Which makes me his immediate prox—” 

“YOU’RE WHAT?!” 

“Mics probably heard that,” 

“Jesse. What the FUCK do you mean, you’re married.” 

“D’ya not know what that is? We signed a paper, drank a toast. Married.” 

“I. I can’t. So when you said you were Platonic Life Partners…” 

“Oh, no, that was a joke,” said Jesse. “Well, kinda. It’s the easiest way to do things.” 

“So you… you guys are… friends?” 

“What? No, I love Hanzo. I’d kill people for him,” Genji shivered slightly at the way Jesse’s face changed. It was hard to remember Jesse as the deadly force he was, sometimes. 

“So, what was all that… stuff?” 

“Talon’s interested in us both. They’ve got a good hacker.” 

“Oh,” Genji said, realization dawning on his face. “Jesse, you know that if Athena gets hacked, all footage with agents is destroyed, right?” 

“It is?” 

“Yeah, it was installed just after the Recall. Since we’re illegal and shit. So you can, like, be a normal couple? But not in public.” 

“What?” 

“I decided to look at security footage and I… should not have.” Genji admitted. Jesse bursts out laughing. 

“Serves you right, ya nosey lil hellion!” 

\-- 

“You feelin’ okay, Han?” Jesse asked, carrying a plate of snacks and a pair of drinks with as much care as he could manage over to the couch Hanzo was resting on. 

“I am fine, for the hundredth time, Jesse,” he replied. The bandages around his chest were irritating, but considering he survived a shrapnel-filled explosion, he would manage. 

“Still angry at those bastards. Wish I was there. I’d’ve gutted ‘em all,” 

“I appreciate the sentiment,” Hanzo said, reaching for his glass. “And would that I could, all the people who have hurt you would be rotting in a pile of their own shattered bones.” 

“Aw, babe,” Jesse cooed, sitting carefully on the couch to avoid jostling Hanzo. 

“Can you two act like NORMAL PEOPLE?!” 

“But Hanzo’s been banned from vigorous exercise till he gets the bandages off!” 

Hanzo laughs at the look of disgust on Genji’s face as he snuggles into his husband’s side. This was far better than before. "Platonic Life Partners", honestly.


End file.
